I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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