Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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