We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
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