I feel great
I just peed on a car
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
