Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
