remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
