I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
