I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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