I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
