So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Someone shit on the floor
I skipped work to stalk him.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
