I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
