Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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