I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
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