the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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