I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
