textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
