I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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