i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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