Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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