We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
