you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Randomize
