Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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