Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You're like the curious george of whores
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
