wakey wakey hands off snakey
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize