Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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