woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize