Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
smell my finger.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Someone came in the potted fern
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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