ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
