then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
