Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize