The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
