Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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