3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My sheets look like a crime scene.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
