sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
