Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
