shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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