my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
