Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
