I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
