it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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