wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
NoShamevember. You game?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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