turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Randomize
