I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I just forgot I was standing up.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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