Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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