i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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