R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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