I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
