arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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