I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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