my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
