the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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