Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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