I hate your face
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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