We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
