From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize