You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
