woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
