i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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