a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
