how can u be prego again
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
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