drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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