New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Randomize