no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize