Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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