Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
