Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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