Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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