the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
