As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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