I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
