I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize